Circle of life

Published May 24, 2017 by Varkha

A few days before Rohan’s third birthday on the 12th of May 2017, Jazzy came to me and asked me a question. I cannot remember what the question was but the answer led to – “When I grow up, I am never going to have a baby!!” 

Stunned I asked her: “Why don’t you want to have a baby when you grow up?”

Jazzy: “Because it is painful to have a baby!” 

Me: “Yes, it is but the moment you hold your baby in your arms you forget all the pains and you are just happy to finally hold your baby” 

Jazz: “How did you feel when you held Roro and me for the first time?” 

Me: “I was in pain BUT I was also very excited to hold both of you in my arms for the first time and I instantly fell in love with both of you” 

Jazz: “Mum, why did Ro not have a good heart?” 

Me: “I  explained to Jazz about how he grew in my tummy and while His heart was forming, a piece didn’t form and grow as it should have” 

From there, I went ahead and explained to her how everything else was fine with him except his heart and I reminded her of the happy times we had with him. 

I also explained how we found out about his condition and the whole process after that; from the moment I stayed with him at Jhb Gen until our medical aid got sorted out, to moving him to Sunninghill hospital, to the day Rohan had his open heart surgery until the day He passed away!!

She listened to me quietly and when I was done; she asked me “but you did not tell me, what EXACTLY HAPPENED before Ro passed away?” 

The question took me by surprise because I always hide behind the veil of ignorance and leave that part out of my story and there I was, put on the spot by my little one! Brave as I had to be, I told her exactly what happened; which is Rohan’s heart wasn’t healing as it should have and that night he over bled and the doctors couldn’t save Him! šŸ˜¢šŸ’”

I didn’t shed a tear while I was telling her the story of her brother’s life. I had to be strong!

But then she asked me: “Were you guys there? Did you see Him?”

I answered her first question honestly that we were there and at that time; all I was doing was praying, begging God to make our boykie live, I was shaking with fear for His life. I so wanted Him to make it through the last stretch because I somehow knew if He would have made it that night, He would have been OKAY today! But He did not make it and I was VERY SAD, DEVASTATED and cried A LOT because He went to heaven.

Her second question reminded me of a PRECIOUS memory which I had forgotten. I don’t know why and how it happened but Jazzy’s question just brought it back: “I always used to hold Roro on my chest and sing His song to Him and after the nurse cleaned Him up that night; she called us to hold Him. I looked at Him and He was GORGEOUS! Absolutely BEAUTIFUL! He was not swollen anymore, he was not attached to any machine, he looked peaceful, calm, and I knew His soul was still there in the room; supporting and guiding me/us! I was wearing my puma hoody, I took it off and held him on my chest for a last skin to skin and I cried, I sang His song to Him and rubbed my cheeks on His soft baby hair as I did since He was born!”

As I write this, I have tears streaming down but I am SO HAPPY that Jazzy’s question reminded me of my last memory of Him ā¤

I don’t know how to explain it but He was very peaceful, rosy, shiny and He had an sparkly/glimmery aura…not something you could see but feel šŸ’–šŸŒø

I, now, have that feeling with me! šŸ˜. So proud of you my princess for always somehow making me feel better! šŸ’œ


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